I am a pool ninja.

Hit white ball hard. 9 ball flies up, bounces off 8 ball, lands on side of table. Sweet. Rolls along, thinks about falling off, then at last second - back onto table. Staggers into 7 and 14 balls, trickles to jaw of corner pocket. Freak gust of wind takes it in.

Totally played for.

Perspiration breaks out on your forehead. Something trickles down your leg. You hope it's sweat. The balls are mounting up, but they seem so small it's like trying to pot peanuts with a trouser press. You can't see a clear shot. Panic is taking hold.

And you're only 2 minutes in.

The 9 ball crawls to the edge of the pocket. Just as it looks like it won't make it... BOOM! It drops.

Silence... and then the voice in your headset: "You jammy **%!?!"

Half way round the world, and your reputation as a pool ninja is intact.

Pool Nation

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Legohead 1977